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Monday, March 14, 2011

Getting my life back

Now, I am back to waiting and worrying.  I have been putting my life on hold.  I can’t vacation with my friends.  I have to tell people that I can’t commit to plans, as I’m not sure when this surgery will take place.  I become depressed and obsessed with a stupid date.  I also wonder again if I am making the right decision.  I am back on the internet, reading accounts of people who didn’t have a good experience.  I decide that I need another ultrasound to help me make this decision.  I have my GP order a third ultrasound and I learn that my thyroid and the dominant mass have both grown significantly since the last scan.  I also get another severe respiratory infection which makes breathing difficult once again.  I continue my on-line research and come to the conclusion that the surgery IS the right thing to do for me. 

I tell my employer that I have to have surgery but am not sure when.  She has me try to find replacements for fabricated dates.  In December I call and try to get some idea of a date.  They have no idea.  They can’t even give me a month:  probably January; maybe February.  They will call me when they know.  I don’t want to call them and drive them crazy so I wait, and I wait and I wait……

The end of January, I have an invitation from an old friend to go on an amazing adventure.  It is a hiking expedition at the end of May.  It will be very physical but very rewarding.  I tell my husband thinking he will think it is crazy but instead he encourages me to go for it.  I decide that I can’t pass it up.  It gives me new life, new hope, a new attitude.  I begin training for the trip right away.  I make other plans; I get back to life, back to living.  My friend has no idea but on some level she saved my life with her invitation.  I am so excited.  Still before I can book the trip I need to b sure that my surgery won’t interfere.  I call the surgeon again.  I want to know if there is a date and if he feels that I could do this trip after it.  When I call they say that they may have a date in March but they aren’t sure.  I ask my question and they say they will get back to me.  One week later, I still haven’t heard and can’t reach them.  I call the endocrinologist and ask if I will be ready to hike 2 months after surgery.  They say I will.  I book the trip.  A few days later I finally reach the surgeon’s office, they confirm the date and now here I am preparing for the surgery.  My employer asks me if I really need the surgery and I briefly wonder once again, but I can’t go back and forth like this and I know that for me this is what I need to do. 

I am glad that I have this trip to look forward to.  It has made me increase my exercise regimen and I will work even harder to get better faster post-op.  I am focusing on the trip instead of the surgery and I WILL GET BETTER QUICKLY.   For the past 6 weeks I have been working hard to be in good shape for the surgery and to make it to this trip.  I have lost 10 lbs and am feeling stronger and more positive every day.  I won’t let my crazy goiter get me down. 

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